I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
