Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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