My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
