She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
