I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
