smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
