Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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