My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
