I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
bring money and cleavage
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
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It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
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Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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