u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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