someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
