I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
