i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
