I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
