Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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