I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
