that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
