im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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