It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
