idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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