The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
dude. I can hear the air.
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