All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
