Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
