Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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