So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
