I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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