Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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