why didn't you poke me back
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
