it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
being pregnant is like rehab
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
