her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
