i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
