9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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