I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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