i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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