i permit you to call me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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