he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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