Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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