theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
