my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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