I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
