hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
