I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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