Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
