Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
