Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
