You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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