It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
