I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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