i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
