If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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