Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
