Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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