The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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