Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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