If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
