My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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