The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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