Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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