How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
