My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
